Life On The Other Side

Part Three...

2008-06-20T23:50:00.002-05:00

Well, here it goes...Am I a fool for even associating with my husband? All the lies, betrayl, infidelity and straight catching charges, how could I even talk to him? Any good answers to those questions? Something to ponder, something to sink deep into my stomach, something brutally honest....PLEASE!

Welcome Home...

2008-06-19T09:47:00.002-05:00

If I'm not lost in days again, I believe my son and daughter in-law are home from their honeymoon! Oh how I liked writing and hearing myself say daughter in-law!!!! Can't wait to see them!!

Part Two....

2008-06-19T01:24:00.001-05:00

So, now that I have either got your attention or totally confused you by now, here is a little more.
Once I think I have cleared the fog from inside my head and I attempt to close the chapter still lingering in my heart....something pops up. Usually it will start with a song, of course everyone of us knows the power of music. I have even been able to overcome the temptations that the so-called song puts into my ever curious mind. Rahter, evre stupid mind! How do you stop the function that happens between your heart and mind? And what about the one that eats at your very soul? Or the craving you have in the middle of the night to feel something more than the cold side of the bed? Ponder those questions for a day......

Let Go Of The Past...Easier Said Than Done! (part one)

2008-06-18T00:30:00.003-05:00

Most of my past stays right there where it needs to be, but this one filters into my present and threatens my future. It creeps into my mind at moments that surprise me, and even piss me off. In my daydreams, and into my nightmares. I think I have it buried, then it jumps out at me. Where I might be, a song on the radio, even a smell. Why is this one so deep within my soul? And how can I keep it in its place?

What's New With You....

2008-06-16T17:05:00.002-05:00

I am back to work and it seems as if I had been away for years. The way people seemed to react before and how they are now is kinda strange. You know all in all it probably comes down to me and my trace of being paranoid. Just cause I am clean doesn't mean I can't be paranoid once in awhile. It's good for ya! Well anyway, that didn't make a whole lot of sense when I re-read it. Time for a late afternoon nap, got a hella headache forming!

Look At Me!!

2008-06-14T13:09:00.001-05:00

View my page on The Kid Rock Community

Playing Catch Up...

2008-06-13T16:51:00.002-05:00

Well...June 11, I turned 46! It is my LAST birthday....FOREVER!!! I did absolutely nothing until a friend stopped over at 1am and we laughed for hours until we fell asleep. June 12, the flood outlook is bleak, streets are closed making it hard to get anywhere, (like I have somewhere to be?!$%#^&!!). They shut the ballpark down just before lunch on June 10, and I haven't been back to work since. Filed for unemployment, but ya know how that goes....
Today is Friday the 13th, my lucky number and day and I sit at home. I did hear from my son and my daughter in law (I like how that sounds). They called from Maui where they are on their honeymoon, and of course things are still perfect. I cannot think of anyone who deserves happiness and unconditional love more than my son. Can't wait for them to come home! Ok, the river is due to crest at 8pm its already to the top of the bridges, I hope this weather holds out!

Water Everywhere...

2008-06-10T22:03:00.002-05:00

Today they closed up where I work due to the probability of a flood. I guess after this long weekend I hadn't paid any attention to the news, just new it rained or if the tornado drill was blaring. By 10am tomorrow our downtown should have water everywhere. I can only pray that its no where near the great flood of 1993. Totally crippled this town, hopefully we have learned from that experience. (I am filling bottles up with good water...yes I learned!)

The Next Day...

2008-06-09T15:16:00.001-05:00

It is still hard to believe that the wedding has come and gone. Somewhat a relief, yet now starts a new chapter in their lives. Love to you BOTH!!!!

June 7, 2008 referred to as " 6 7 8 "

2008-06-08T13:46:00.002-05:00

On June 7, 2008... my son wedded his high school sweetheart of the past 6 years or better. Their love is the kind of love that most people can only dream about. The Bible is the only way to I can even begin to explain the depth of their love for one another. Cointhians 13.4 states:

"Love is kind and patient,

never jealous, boastful, proud or rude."

"Love rejoices in the truth,

but not in evil."

"Love is always supportive,

loyal, hopeful, and trusting."

"Love never fails!"

It was the most beautiful I have ever witnessed next to the birth of my children! I don't have to say Good Luck, because I know it has nothing to do with luck...its true love! I love you both!

MOM

A Few Days Left....

2008-06-04T18:55:00.002-05:00

It seems like just yesterday when I was driving my son to the putt putt minature golf course for his first date with Morgs. He was so nervous, wanted things perfect! Then last summer he called me to tell me he was going to propose to her, he explained every detail to me making me feel as if I were there in person.
Now, we are three days from the wedding. I cried today at work just because I thought of him as a youngster take over the ol' ballpark. Where does the time go? I am blessed today and for that I am so very thankful! I love son......

A Few Pics Of "Another Black Day"...

2008-06-03T07:15:00.002-05:00

Another Black Day...

2008-06-02T16:58:00.002-05:00

This is a super new group that I was lucky to go see as they toured with Drowning Pool.
www.anotherblackday.net !!!! They have a C.D. just out and one of the songs is titled "Wicked Soul", and its the BOMB! I am in love with the Das!!!!! Check 'em out, it's well worth it!!!

What To Do....

2008-06-01T08:31:00.002-05:00

At times its real hard to hang out with your husband and not want to just give it all up and run like hell. In all honesty, we are no doubt the best of friends, excellent business partners, and guess what, the best lovers. His friendship means way more to me than all the other bullshit we have put each other through...I guess we will see what happens!

How About These...

2008-05-31T00:01:00.009-05:00

Here are some new ideas for political type buttons...

Damn....

2008-05-29T15:12:00.000-05:00

I AM F--KING OLD!!!!! SHIT!!!@$%&$#%$@!!!

Late Update...What Else Is New?

2008-05-25T12:43:00.005-05:00

Well, on May 21st me and two friends went to the "Lazerfest". It is held outside at one of the cities largest parks. Headling and OH MY GOD SEXY...Kid Rock!!! With Theory of a Deadman and Finger Eleven also great openers! The last thing I said to my friends that afternoon was, "I'm going up front, follow me if you dare!" That was the last I saw them for the next 4 hours. And you can bet I was in the front row! It was worth the mosh pit injuries and really feeling my age just to stare at that fine MF! At one point, (see picture....:)!) he looked at me out his finger to his pulling it up trying to tell me to smile!! This chick about 5 feet away from me said whats your number I got that picture...I was in shock, not to mention LOVE!!! God, isn't he SEXY!
Comments? I'd love one night with him!!!

Stretch....Hmmmm, What Day Is It?

2008-05-19T21:31:00.001-05:00

Ooops, I fell out for a few again, BUT..... I'm alive and somewhat kicking!!!!

Here Is How I Feel Today....

2008-05-08T17:21:00.001-05:00

AGAIN......

2008-05-06T10:11:00.001-05:00

I HATE MEN.......one in particular!

MEN SUCK!!!

2008-05-05T20:08:00.002-05:00

At least everyone of them except my dad and son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's A Mosh Pit?

2008-05-04T21:22:00.002-05:00

Well did I ever find out! Needless to say I realize I am a little (just a little:P) too old for this scene, but I did have the time of my life! My neck a tad sore from all the headbanginbg so to speak! Five bands and approximately 7 hours of lous music. My ears are still ringing today. We met every band and almost every member, I wish I was 20 years younger! If I was I know I wouldn't be here today, I'd be chasing all those guys!! The bands were "Another Black Day" (hi Matt!), "Destrophy" from Des Moines too! Then Egypt Central and Rev Fury. The headliner of course was "DROWING POOL!!!!" It was a BLAST!

Do You Believe?

2008-05-03T13:30:00.002-05:00

This is my horoscope today....
GeminiMay 21 - June 21
Key into your sensual, beautifying nature, dear Gemini. Take time each day to attend to your soul and make sure it is getting the nourishment it needs to radiate boldly out onto the world. Unexpected people are likely to pop up out of nowhere, so don't be surprised if a former lover comes knocking on your door. Things from the past may be coming back to the present reality in order to teach you a valuable lesson about life.

About 10 a.m. this morning my cellphone and here is was a "former" lover just popping up! WOW! Anyway, him and really hit it off a year ago or so and he wound going back to prison on a violation of parole. He never wrote back and I figured more than likely him and his had gotten back together, just as me and husband were also talking. WOW! Never know, I BELIEVE!!!!

Let The Bodies Hit The Floor.....

2008-05-02T18:38:00.002-05:00

I'm excited my friend and I are going to the Drowning Pool concert tomorrow night. She is the only one I know that relates to them just like I do. Can't wait... it should be a BLAST!
www.drowningpool.com

Harder Than I Thought....

2008-05-01T01:00:00.002-05:00

It's late, or early and I sit thinking about the past, the memories flooded me over with emotion tonight. Why is it when so much bad has gone on between two people the only things you seem to want to remember are the ones that make you smile? Maybe it is a part of the getting over it everyone goes through? Doubtful, cause if everyone went through this I think more people would try alot harder to get along and not LIE! I hate liars!! Goodnight....I think....

Spoke Too Soon....

2008-04-30T02:59:00.002-05:00

Last night was a good 8hours and the night before was close at 6 hours. I was asleep for about 2 hours and now I am awake. I am thinking this one won't last long so I thought I would journal it. I am sitting here listening to Booboo snore....silly ass cat! Only wish I was too.

Here's One For You.....

2008-04-28T17:12:00.000-05:00

I HATE PEOPLE!!!!!!

2008-04-27T23:57:00.000-05:00

And I would love to list them off and just why I hate them....short list!

Breathe Bitch.....

2008-04-25T23:58:00.002-05:00

I looked in the mirror the other day after what it seemed to be the week from hell and saw an old lady looking back at me. Staying off the dope has undoubtedly kept me alive and free, but that fountain of youth that I once discovered has worn off and the REAL me shines through. Shines? Yikes! Anyway, that is just a minor part of the picture, not only was one vein on my forehead pulsating its tune...their were TWO more! TWO! I looked like Frankenstein. Good Lord, am I at some risk of a major stroke or something? Found myself even holding my breath.....BREATHE BITCH!

Can Two Wrongs Ever Make It Right?

2008-04-25T15:58:00.002-05:00

Something I seem to have in my head that needs an answer. Is there an answer? Does the answer fit the question? Does the answer fit everyone? Does the question bother anyone? This question becomes deeper and deeper as I put it in motion. Why now does it surface needing an answer? And don't you think you can apply this question to any and all areas of your life? So I ask, does the answer fit the question?

Fake Or Real.....

2008-04-23T16:31:00.002-05:00

Okay all of you dirty minded individuals...not boobs, I'm talking PEOPLE! I hate the fact that someone can be so phoney right up in your face and turn on a dime to push that knife in your back even harder. An old wives tale was that someone was talking about you if your ears would ring, go figure! My "old wives" tale states...let them talk it saves someone elses feelings. Right right? So all of you plastic mother f-----s, go on with that plastic self cause real doens't need ya!

...........

2008-04-22T21:14:00.001-05:00

.....RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...................................

Losing Myself...And Getting Me Back....

2008-04-21T23:48:00.002-05:00

I found myself doing what I swore I wouldn't and now I am trying to execute the retraction. It's okay, its nothing to put me in harms way like my old days would of, yet it still causes me mental and a little emotional unwell moments. I will fill you in over the next couple of days and let you know the details....

Can You Hear Me Now?...

2008-04-21T15:02:00.000-05:00

Hey Sis...Keep trying cause sooner or later our schedules might click!!! Miss You!

Whistle While You Work...

2008-04-19T15:14:00.002-05:00

One of the many dwarfs heading off to work today. Today is the start of a homestand, and I pray its far better than the first one. I gotta get ready to go but wnated to say....GO CUBBIES!

Confusion Setting In...

2008-04-18T13:21:00.002-05:00

My husband is out of prison and at the halfway house. Doing very well to say the least. Even enough so that he has brought me into his life and me visa versa, although both of us seem to be trying to keep this on the light side cause neither of us are totally ready for shit. Hes been out for near 5 weeks, beats all other previous attempts thats for sure! Keep up the good work Baby Boy.

Shut the Hell Up....

2008-04-18T00:43:00.002-05:00

Gees, I have never in my life heard such an obnoxious ol' cat like my boobookitty. Meows in different tones, levels, and have even begun to sound like words to me. Yes, I know I have got to get out more. He's my alarm clock if I oversleep, he's my warning signal if something is wrong, and most of all he is my buddy!!! My boo boo kitty!

Living Life On Life's Terms....

2008-04-16T23:00:00.003-05:00

Whoa......this is one difficult task! For many years if life handed something I didn't particularly care for, I snubbed it off! Now with some clean time I am dealing with life, I guess like what they call normal people do. At least I am an contributing person in society and for the most part I can't see why I ever chose the other side. Its been a long and bumpy road, but each and every minute has been on life's terms. And ya know what...It ain't all that bad!

It's Cold....

2008-04-12T02:39:00.002-05:00

It seems as if today has gone on forever and then some. I just got home from helping my bestest friend move out of her "boyfriends". The way it all came down wasn't exactly worth mentioning, but it did finally make the decision for her. Confused? Well, you should be! She fell asleep on my bed feeling quite the orphan at the moment. Once she is settled back home where she needs to be life will get back on track. God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle! Peace.

Check This Out....

2008-04-10T18:48:00.000-05:00

Damn...Two days in a row now....what's really going on?

Guess What....

2008-04-09T21:33:00.001-05:00

I AM ALIVE AND STILL KICKING!

Guess What....

2008-04-09T21:33:00.000-05:00

I AM ALIVE AND STILL KICKING!

Computers Suck....

2008-02-23T13:47:00.000-06:00

God help me if I make it through another round of as the Computer turns!!!

2008-02-23T13:46:00.001-06:00

Work, Work, Work....

2008-02-20T18:29:00.002-06:00

I work as a waitress and seem to have conflicting issues with EVERYBODY in regards to tip reporting. I check online and with others in my profession, yet still no concrete answers. Can anyone point me in the right direction. I don't want an audit, but also don't want my employer trying to take advantage of me either!

Happy Valentines Day!!

2008-02-14T05:23:00.002-06:00

Spoke to soon about my old reliable computer....ha! I went and bought a used one from Iowa Prison Industries for 100 dollars just to ease some of my pain! Also I am awake to early for work this morning only from a leg cramp that took near an hour to calm down. Never have I had one even close to being that ugly! I am tired and bitchy and I think, no...I KNOW, I have a long day ahead! Here I am, this is it, no warranty and no returns! Check this out........
http://www.iaprisonind.com

A Late New Years Resolution

2008-02-01T00:08:00.000-06:00

I have had technical difficulty with both my computers so much in the last few months, I practically gave up on ever getting online in this lifetime! I am sure that everyone has experienced this in some shape or form. So as of this moment, I am back to my original "piece of everything under the earth" computer, in which I have renamed it "old faithful", as it well deserves! Only downfall is I'm back to the dinasour age of dial-up! The clicking I keep doing only causes major malfunctions, so I am training myself to "one click" and walk away from the computer! I even make a list of things I want to do or need to do while online! (Oh brother!) Anyway...my late resolution is that I will try to maintain my blog at least twice a week so not to lose touch! Deal....Or No Deal?

Just My Luck...

2008-01-07T19:59:00.000-06:00

Checking the mail I noticed the return address that I have been searching for...the Department of Corrections....My nerves were getting the best of me as I tore into the envelope....only to find what I had expected, another 6 months to a year.....Shit, f--k, damn this life!!!! Hey its reporting once every six months, gees! After a few moments of heavy pacing and loud cussing I came to the conclusion that the only luck I seem to have is the doubting kind. This will be a piece of cake, and I shouldn't look at it as if its the end of the world! I'm sure the man upstairs has got good reason....hang in there ....its bound to be another wild ride!

Let Freedom Ring....

2008-01-01T19:50:00.000-06:00

Last Thursday the 27th I had an appointment with my probation officer bright and early. The agreement we made over 40 days prior was to get release letters from everyone that I had completed my requirements, and to pay off the $800.00 balance still due on my fines, and she would run me up for discharge.
Neddless to say I met each and every one of her requests, including paying my fines in FULL! Now I wait for the final paper work......WOW....

Where Oh Where....

2007-10-12T00:51:00.000-05:00

Has my little lamb gone, blablabla.... I finally seem to have some routine going on these days with a job, aftercare, trauma classes and all the other appointments I have to make. I'm still on probation which in itself keeps me on the straight and narrow! I have been paying my fines cause my hope is to maybe let go by Christmas....still got 17 hundred left, and its going alittle slower since the baseball season has ended. I have just got to stay on track and notlet all of this get me down!!! Stay tuned, I finally got some fast internet...how ya gonna act?

What's Up With That?

2007-07-19T04:25:00.000-05:00

I really hate answering the phone these days...Hillary Clintons fan club here calls and asks me to donate money....rather at least I think that was what this poor fool on the other end was trying to say. I have had enough and I finally blew....I rudely interupted stating I am a convicted felon, I have no rights and can not vote! Next if Hillary wouldn't of interfered in her husbands term in office he might still be there! (Now I truly believe that the story about him and the blowjob queen was fabricated so Hillary would look good..if she could that is...) and furthermore I wouldn't vote for her if I was looking at a prison sentence if I didn't!(She isn't ready for the Presidency yet, and speaking from my own mixed up thiughts, I do not think any of us are ready for her either.) So, I then tried to politely tell them to remove me from their stupid call list cause I am a republican too! Reaming the girl a neww ass, I felt good! Ten minutes later another call same messed telemarketing speel, I screamed..."Lose my number!" I came home from work tonight and saw on my caller id another call came from them, I hope it was Hillary this time!!!!

Where Oh Where....

2007-07-16T02:01:00.000-05:00

Oh, so ya think you all can get rid of this nut just that easy.....afraid not, I am in this for the long haul even missing a day or two (or three or four...). They believe medicating my ass is the only way to help THEM deal with me. My big huge fight is that they aren't me and they medicate me so much so that I cannot function! I can deal with the manic episodes (9.9% of them!) a hell of alot better than days upon days of sleep and too much sleep! Seroquel....ha,hate it especially at the 400 mg point of no f-----g return! And the new added Abilify, which may work if I could get the hell up? Can't tell even if I wanted too! Any suggestions from other bi-polar peoples?

Awake or Not?

2007-06-08T02:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think I am awake....but I'd bet I am asleep!!!

Do You "REALLY"...

2007-05-27T03:21:00.000-05:00

It is funny that people can say they know you, yet actually they aren't even close! I'd give them the benefit of the doubt if they were man or woman enough to say who they are....they probably don't know that either!

A Working Stiff...

2007-05-15T01:47:00.000-05:00

A working stiff isn't giving it enough credit, especially when I cry myself to sllep if I get to sleep due to the intense PAIN! I have resigned myself to after tomorrows day game I am going to the emergency room....when my sleep is interuoted, well do I really have to go there.....Alright then!

Making Adjustments...Oh Brother...

2007-04-16T03:44:00.000-05:00

I started working again for the season with our Triple A (farm team), the Iowa Cubs. I love working there because number one the money you can make is far better than anywhere else for the short amount of time...at least a few years back it has been. I realize that its impossible to predict the type of business you might have, but still the monet is good. Also, it actually is fun. Yes, I said FUN...probably the only reason I go back for the punishment of it all!!! Antway looking at the time this is posted you will see what I mean by making adjustments. I woke about 2 a.m. and in a panic thought and truly believed I had overslept for work, not just one day but missing a day in there somewhere... I paced for about 5 minutes in a fury like no other, then turned the television on. That really early morning yuck stuff was on so I knew time wise I was alright, but the date was still causing me grief. What brings me here, to my computer...thank God for the time in the right bottom corner of the screen with the date and day of the week....ONLY if you got it set right....Yup, I set it right, believe or not. So now, I'm up! It's a day game so I am in luck, I won't have to wait long...... The Iowa Cubs are undefeated at home!!!! GO CUBS!

My Eyes Are Playing Tricks On Me!!

2007-04-11T06:22:00.000-05:00

Yes, I wear bi-focals...but I didn't need any glasses to see what I saw a few minutes ago...SNOW!
Well I think this old bear came out of hibernation way too soon. Maybe I will wake up and its all been a nightmare! HA!

Hibernation...

2007-03-31T12:59:00.000-05:00

Definition in the good ol' Websters..."to spend winter in a dormant state." I wish they would upgrade it some. like leave out the word winter! Hibernation just isn't for birds, bugs and animals...but us so-called human beings need it occassionally to re-juvenate ourselves! Sounds good don't ya think? Well, take it from me, the old meth addict...its ALL GOOD!!!! Sorry to those of you who don't quite get it....YET!?! Come to my house and see the cave I like to sleep in!

Life....

2007-03-20T19:16:00.001-05:00

Living Life On Lifes Terms Really SUCKS!

Never Fails...

2007-03-16T20:42:00.000-05:00

Maybe in a different time it would of been perfect, but he gets sentenced on March 28th....why me?

Lost Without You...

2007-03-09T18:51:00.000-06:00

My computer is dead!!!!!

This Blows!!

2007-02-19T09:18:00.000-06:00

What in the hell has gotten into our youth today? I am so sick of the total lack of respect children show there parents. And don't give me all that stpid this and that bullshit answer! When I was young, even if the parent was wrong, proven wrong, it sure in no way in hell was my place to say a word or correct them. Today after hearing a dear friends 12 year old daughter call her mom a f-----g bitch, slut, whore, and so many other colorful words for her age, I just completely and totally went off! Youth today DEMAND respect....guess what....RESPECT IS EARNED!!!!

Wow!

2007-02-18T08:55:00.000-06:00

Once again I have risen from the dead so to speak....YUCK! Looks like it might have snowed some, but then it is to be almost a hot and sultry day of 30 degrees! I wonder where I put my swimsuit? Soon, I keep telling myself. Anywho...One step forward...I get my license reinstated this coming Tuesday! Downfall is that everyone that thinks they work for the D.O.T. has told me the cost will be $300.00.....What the F--k Ever! I will be legally licensed to drive in the state of Iowa Tuesday February20, 2007 for the mere total of $43.50!!! So bite me! And you know who you are!!! That was wonderful news, now I await the 3 steps back part of the saying.....

I Hate People....

2007-02-09T01:39:00.000-06:00

Well I am home from the conference, BUT.......while I was gone my computer got hooked up with someone who thought they were something, I guess! I have been trying to fix it since last sunday! Needless to say, my patience is no longer available, and this dude had better hope our paths don't cross anytime soon....ooooooooo I am so pissed!

Here I Am....

2007-01-23T03:50:00.000-06:00

Is it early or is it late...you decide! I am up and down tonight and for no known reason....2 liters of Pepsi and a bag of chips for my before bed snack....ya think?

Start Kicking Back....

2007-01-22T07:29:00.000-06:00

I have become numb to all the jabs and kicks on me...Come on is that all ya got is my reply! I am that poor sucker with the weight of the world on its shoulders...Everyday all day, wouldn't have it any other way! Saves one of the weaker types alillte freer to move on with life. Don't look back never look back! So many are throwing the towel in or frantically waving the white one in the air to completely surrender...Do they have any clue what they are even surrendering too? I don't, but time after time the towel is within my reach and at times in my hand, I ask myself what in the hell are you waiting for, do it...NOW Then something happens and I wake up...Damn I hate that!

2007-01-21T10:08:00.000-06:00

Damn I think I have a writers block or possibly just old age setting in. The conference is within days and my mind is frozen, where I am not sure.........yikes!

2007-01-10T06:44:00.000-06:00

Well here it is a matter of a few weeks until the http://www.methconference.org. I have an brief outline but thats it. I'm not sure of my time allowance this time so I maybe gonna wing it, doubtful though! If anything it will be done the day I arrive.....I know my sis will strangle me too!:) I am having so much trouble with my computer that I haven't been on it as often, kinda lost my interest when all it does is freeze! Maybe, someday a new one will appear. Well I gotta get something done today, see ya later....

2007-01-03T22:49:00.000-06:00

Nothing new,,,just wanted to check in.....WASSUP?

Christmas and Family...

2006-12-26T04:15:00.000-06:00

I remember saying that the Christmas of 2005 would be the last time I would probably see my entire family all together ever again. I know I am right, at least for the X-mas holiday, actually...ALL holidays! I may see everyone when my son gets married in 2008. But thats awhile down the road. My sis was able to take the trip back home here again, and I needed it, even if its only a brief visit! To start, she was coming alone, her and her beloved have had a few rocky moments and she felt like throwing it out the window alltogether here as of recent. Again, these holidays seem to f--k everyone up! Mentally, physically, emotionally...all of it! Anywho, sis brought her beloved home, it seemed as if nothing changed. I only wish them happiness whether together or not. Next, you got my mother, the control freak who thinks she has control, when actaully things are already in place...something we have learned to take care of and just LET her think it is all due to her. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to connect with my daughter top update the deal. So needless to say my mother with her foot in mouth disease blew it! Leaving one of her " widely known" voice messages, pissing my daughter off to the verge of calling her grandmother a b---c...no, not to her directly, just to me. These voice messages last from 2 to 10 minutes, (yes I am for real), and winding up in some sort of stupid type of threat. Example, "I guess if you don't call me, you won't get any Christmas present from me..." OK??? Like I said STUPID! Mostly irritating, and annoying to the point of "good", keep your present cause I never like them anyway! Ouch! So, we were short my daughter and her girlfriend this time. A few years ago it was me, sleeping from the 22nd to the new year! Sounds like a good idea right now!

Me and Ol'Jackson Once Again......

2006-12-17T21:41:00.000-06:00

Go to http://beliefnet.com and check out their section about inspirational pets! I am not sure what page my ol'Jackson is on , but by God he is in there! I wrote a short reason why he is so important to me. It's titled, "My Guardian Angel." Wow, I got published!!!

Take a Look at This!!!!

2006-12-17T04:10:00.000-06:00

As you well know my association with the Harm Reduction Project...http://harmredux.org, I want everyone to check their new blog out!!!! It is so full of information!http://harmreduxproject.blogspot.com
I will be once again speaking at the conference this coming February! Check this stuff out at
http://methconference.org
Stay tuned for some more good stuff!!!!

Happy Birthday...

2006-12-14T04:52:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my sons 21st birthday....time sure flies when you are out of your mind for years!! Gees, with any luck I will be a grandma in the next few years.....what do ya think?????
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON!!!!!

BlaBlaBla...

2006-12-07T06:21:00.000-06:00

I AM STRUGGLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another Poem By Me!!!

2006-12-04T23:21:00.000-06:00

Paper Trail

Torn between what I know is right,
and what I feel alone at night.
A marriage by paper is all that we share,
no time together, it seems so unfair.
If granted a chance to give it a try,
would we continue to live in this lie?
Will things be exactly how they should,
giving it some thought, I wish it could.
Freedom has been such a high cost,
look at what we both have lost.
I never would of said I do if I didn't care,
my heart overtime has sank in despair.
What will become of this life we do live?
more lies, more time, a chance to forgive?
Dirt from our past keeps blowing in our face,
how did we ever get to this place?
Lust turned to love, love turned to hate,
what lies ahead will be our certain fate.

Teeter Totter Teeter Totter.....

2006-11-28T06:05:00.000-06:00

I guesss this is what I deam as normal, anyone else who probably leads a normal life...(LIAR!) wouldn't know what to do in my shoes! I guess if it weren't for the ups and downs I wouldn't have much to look forward too..maybe thats why I love roller coasters so damn much! The higher and the faster the BETTER! I have had no luck with this job ordeal, even ventured out on a couple of interviews too. I go see my po next week and without a job I'm not sure what she will wind up doing. Probably have me burn out another ride a reprt in to her more often, like that going to help me find a job....oh brother! A license would help and then my car fixed would cinch it up pretty good. The bus system here still sucks in my book and now of course it coming up on these winter months which prove to make me just crawl back into the bed and say F--K IT! I don't need any extra help thats for sure! Well I guess I am going to go hang up a few lights and see if my dad and I can turn them on more than 5 times this year. Bla bal bla, I feel shitty!

Where Do I Begin....

2006-11-18T07:36:00.000-06:00

It seems as of lately, I cannot get anything done like I used too. I hate it, cause it is only causing me the extra unneeded headaches! I struggle enough trying to accomplish everything that is required of me for my freedom to remain intact, yet I let other things fall to the side. I don't mean too, they just go that way. The big things are keeping in touch with my kids, sister, and the others. When this part fails I feel lost and I am positive I wind up worrying someone on that list. I haven't even had the chance to follow through with my harm reduction stuff and this I am kicking myself daily. I run out of time, or begin to feel overwhelmed which I then put myself to bed. It's alot better than my previous fix, dope. So, bear with me, I am hoping this doesn't last forever....

What's Up?

2006-11-10T02:53:00.000-06:00

Well, here it is one of those nights when it is up, down, up, down! I thinl it is the new meds they have me on. It is Lamictal, for my bi-polar. They have uped it to 150 mg. I have been taking it about 9 pm each night because I normally, (whatever that is!) get tired in about an hour or so. Then on the other hand it seems to do the very opposite, like now. I much rather deal with my manic side than the horrible dawn, down, and down again side! I am a methamphetamine addict! I have had some considerable clean time, yet I know in my heart that it only takes one time and I'm back out there once again. Anywho...I used to use meth to get out of the bed, and to come down from a manic high. You might say I medicated myself! These days its called Retilin, (I probably spelled that wrong), you know its the shit they put too many kids on! And they wonder why their are so many addicts in the world. At age 13, they prescibed me valium, for symptoms now called ADHD. Wow, I was an early drug ABUSER! Believe it! Now as I was saying, I am trying to find a happy medium somewhere with this new drug. One thing I have changed is now I am giving it the time it needs to make me change, if it can that is! Thank God I don't have a real pressing job, hahaha.. I couldn't say if I could work days or nights, ya know! So, please bear with me and comment if you have any advice for me. Thanks!

Question...

2006-11-09T04:58:00.000-06:00

Has anyone ever heard the story about the "Heart Rock?"

Looking and Looking and Looking....

2006-11-07T15:47:00.000-06:00

I have been searching practically everywhere for a job, any job! Even with it being the holiday season, I stiil can't seem to get one hooked up. More than likely my app gets put to the side . like a last resort kind of hire, why you ask? Felony, felony, damn felony! With so many people looking for jobs it truly makes it difficult for persons in my position. I just started putting down that I am on probation, so in hopes someone will take notice, and if they are from this planet will know if probation looms, that I HAVE to maintain a job. I guess we will see what kind of calls I get, so far absolutely ZERO! Sure doesn't do much for ones self esteem!

Mind Set...

2006-11-02T00:20:00.000-06:00

Each month usually on the first Tuesday it seems I meet with my probation officer. Now like I have said before she seems cool and all, until I go against the grain. Which I refuse to let myself go there due to all the work I have out into this whole deal. Anyway, even with the holidays right around the corner I am having a hell of a time getting a job. I am sure with all the peoplw out there needing one I would hope that someone would give this felon a break. I am not willing to go back to McDonalds, but this good ol'town isn't leaving me many options. I see my P.O. this next Tuesday and at this point still no job, so my mind set is trying to stay stable in hopes she won't "go there" with me. Stay cool, this I will do, and hopefully by this weekend a job will appear....

Go Figure....

2006-10-27T06:13:00.000-05:00

I haven't told anyone about this except my sister and a few others, so this is big news and embarrassing somewhat too. In September I found out I tested positive for Hepatitis C. It really didn't surprise me with the lifestyle I have led. I remember when it happened too, just like it was yesterday. I remember the hesitation I felt and went against it....I for one know from too many experiences, that when I go against that feeling it never turns out right. One other instance would be the day I got these criminal charges I now deal with daily. Anyway, even being involved with the Harm Reduction Project ( http://harmredux.org ), it wasn't soon enough for my education on the disease. I have had problems with my liver for years already, so I assumed when they told me the news that it was more or less a death sentence for me. I have been reading and talking with others in order to learn more. What I have learned is that I have felt like shit for awhile now, and guess why?! So, if anyone has any personal experiences with Hepatitis C, I would sure like to hear from you!

Another poem by ME

2006-10-20T01:24:00.000-05:00

Final Peace
I sit alone and wonder why I am alive, My earliest memories knew I'd survive. Each day is a challenge to say the least, Battling my addiction as it becomes my beast. Controlling every thought and move I had, Few were good, most were bad. The ups and downs of my crazy life, Causes me pain that cuts like a knife. Hiding from family and friends I do, I couldn't let them see my life in this zoo. Acting like a fool and crying one night, All I could think of was finding some light. I couldn't take the pain a minute more, It was killing me this I chose to ignore. Pulling back the plunger the liquid did fill, And still I got that 'sick' kind of thrill. As the needle I held finally hit the vein, My head became foggy and away went the pain. Life flashed before me, my heart did cease, Is this what I wanted, my final peace.

Still Kicking....

2006-10-09T20:48:00.000-05:00

Well, as life would have it, I am still alive and surviving the daily grind. Looking for a job that will hire a felon just seems to get the best of me and I hate every minute of it. Takes a toll fast! I keep thinking they need to here my story then just maybe....NOT. I need to remember that noone who hasn't done drugs or been touched somewhere in their lives usually doesn't understand nor cares to understand. It is much easier to turn that blind shoulder like it does not exist. Thats where I come in, I guess. I struggle with issues every minute I breathe and for some reason find what will I have left to carry on. (and on and on.) Thank God for family that truly understands me now and what few REAL friends I have left. Like I said Thank God for Them All!!

A Second Look...

2006-09-22T06:26:00.000-05:00

Well, as you could tell, it was going to be quite a thing for me if this guy panned out to be something real. What I mean is that I have such "wonderful" experiences in my past...and my choices have been all but close to right, this possibily may be the chance for change I have needed and wanted for so long. I guess I can like a good boy, yet I usually ruin them. So hopefully this guy has had alittle time as a bad boy and grew up or just wants to be bad boy. I look at that at a win, win situation. Married? Well that didn't even come to mind. Cause as you all know, or will know now, I too am married. Like I usually say about that marriage certificate, another legal document that I will more than likely go against.
Anyway,"I think I found my twin brother of a different mother!" Another Gemini, look out world. I know that I have never dated another Gemini, ever! He leans more to the Taurus cusp. His patience with me and my bi-polar is remarkable. He is still calling and coming around, I guess I haven't scared him off yet ....hmmmmmm.

To All Hopeless Romantics, There is Hope!

2006-09-19T01:12:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like you may have met someone before? Like in a dream, or maybe in a past life? This week I decided to get out of my house only to venture over to my good friends "safe" home, Kel. Her and I became fast friends over a series of screwed event this past year or so, and I am so glad for that! Anyway, we were working on a project on the computer, when the door opened to two guys who strolled in and sat down near Kels dude. One of them inparticular grabbed my eye. He walked in with an air of confidence holding his head up, and it wasn't that walk of arrogance. Men in my "old" stomping grounds used to, they had to puff their chests out to hide their skinny form do to their drug use. This guy looked healthy, clean, and dressed nice. His friend also the same, cute and shy. Now this kind of pair in the drug days would NEVER of been seen. I guess my stare must of been intercepted by Kel, as she kicked me under the table. How embarrassing, it's been so long since I looked at a man like that I couldn't help to wipe the drool that HAD to be on my chin...
Later, our glances met, even smiles interchanged, it was my bedtime. Kel and I walked to her car, and I said, "who was that?" her smile said it all. "Cute, huh?" She dropped me home and I grabbed the remote to the T.V. getting comfortable with ol' Jackson the cat when the phone rang. Kel was whispering almost where I couldn't barely hear her, "get back down here...." "What's up, are you okay?" You know that dude you were checking out?" "Yeah.." "He said the same stuff to E as you did to me!" Silence...... It seemed like an eternity until she said, "are you still there?" "Yup." "come on Ang, hurry up!" Again silence.
What to wear? Gees, he already saw you idiot. A little make up, shoes, perfume....And I laid back on the bed, now what? I need nerve, I needed ALOT of nerve. Those nerves toward the opposite sex had been squashed quite a few months ago, I hated all men! The ringing of the phone jolted me into reality, "you haven't left yet?" "I am right now..."
Grabbed my new form of transportation, a friends bike, and peddled my happy ass down the street. Now happy ass is reaching, dead ass fit better. As, I went up the drive I had noticed his truck gone and figured it was the way things go for me, and shrugging it off. Climbing the stairs, totally breathless and slightly sweaty I walked through her bedroom door. Shit, their that man was, right in front of me. Trying to compose myself, he introduced hisself shaking my hand...

One More Thing....

2006-09-13T01:35:00.000-05:00

Is there any type of memorial at the site outside of Pittsburgh where the plane went down on 9-11? I heard it was a hole in the ground filled up with weeds....those people should be honored as much or more! For there efforts to take back control of the plane probably saved the White House!!!!

2006-09-13T01:24:00.000-05:00

Here is a little something that I received via my email, I love it! My brother in law purchased Windows XP Professional like the very first day it cam out. I know he spent high dollar (at least $500.00) on the whole thing. Now I have his old computer and he has gone to the Federal Correctional Institute to lay down for quitw awhile...taking all the info, like product code something or another, blablabla...like I was saying taking the info with him, rather the cops took his info. Now Windows has there little "Warning Warning" deal come up whenever I sign in that says my copy is not genuine! Bullshit! And they want me to pay to get it geniune. What the f--k ever! If there was another operating system available I would of probably got it by now. But since Microsft monpolizes the whole blessed thing, our choices are limited. Check it out below....

IF YOU PURCHASED CERTAIN MICROSOFT SOFTWARE, OR A COMPUTER ON WHICH IT WAS INSTALLED, THIS NOTICE MAY AFFECT YOUR RIGHTS:
Please read this Court-ordered class action notice.
If you purchased in Iowa certain Microsoft software, or a computer on which it was installed, as described in the section below called “Who is Included,” you or your company may be affected by a class action lawsuit in Joe Comes, et al. v. Microsoft Corporation, No. CL 82311. (Although Microsoft software is licensed, the simpler term “purchased” is used here.) This notice is to tell you about the Court’s certification of two “Plaintiff Classes,” the claims in the case, and your right to participate in, or exclude yourself from, the Classes.
WHAT IS THIS CASE ABOUT?
The Plaintiffs claim Microsoft violated Iowa’s antitrust laws by monopolizing and unreasonably restraining trade in the markets for Intel-compatible (i) personal computer operating system software, and (ii) applications software, including word processing, spreadsheet and office-suite software. The Plaintiffs claim that Microsoft harmed Class Members by illegally overcharging for its software, by denying Class Members free choice in software products and the benefits of software innovation, and by making computers increasingly susceptible to security breaches. Plaintiffs also allege that Microsoft engaged in anticompetitive conduct in new and specialized purported software markets for server operating systems. Plaintiffs are asking for money from Microsoft. Microsoft denies the claims and says it developed and sold high quality software products at fair and reasonable prices. The Court has not yet decided whether the Plaintiffs or Microsoft are right. A trial is scheduled to begin on November 13, 2006.
WHO IS INCLUDED?
You are a “Class Member” if you purchased certain software, or a computer on which this software was already installed, from and including May 18, 1994 through June 30, 2006, from a vendor other than Microsoft (for example, a retailer or distributor) AND you are part of one of these Court-defined Classes: (a) all persons or entities in Iowa who purchased or acquired, for purposes other than re-sale or distribution, Microsoft Windows or MS-DOS (the “Operating System Software Class”), or (b) all persons or entities in Iowa who purchased or acquired, for purposes other than re-sale or distribution, Microsoft Word, Excel, or Office (the “Application Software Class”). The Classes do not include Microsoft and its subsidiaries, affiliates, officers, directors and employees, and governmental entities.
HOW DO I REMAIN A CLASS MEMBER?
To remain a Class Member, you don’t have to do anything now. As a Class Member, you will be bound by all orders and judgments of the Court regardless of whether the orders or judgment are favorable to the Class. Any claims you have against Microsoft about the claims in this case will be determined by the final resolution of the case. You don’t have to pay the attorneys for the Classes. There will be no cost to you to remain a Class Member. If they obtain a recovery from Microsoft, they will ask the Court for reasonable attorneys’ fees and costs to be paid by Microsoft or from any funds recovered. As a Class Member, you may appear in the case personally or you may appear in the case through your own attorney whom you will have to pay.
HOW DO I ASK TO BE EXCLUDED?
If you are an individual or an authorized representative of a company, and you want to be excluded from the Class: (1) click the link at the bottom of this e-mail message to access the online exclusion form, or (2) mail a signed letter asking to be excluded. All exclusion requests must be mailed and postmarked by November 13, 2006, to Roxanne Conlin & Associates, P.O. Box 7904, Des Moines, Iowa 50323-9404. If you exclude yourself, you can’t participate in any recovery obtained for either Class, and you won’t be bound by any Court orders or judgments. If you want to remain a Class Member, don’t submit an exclusion form.
WHAT IF I HAVE QUESTIONS?
Visit the website at www.IowaSoftwareSuit.com or write to Roxanne Conlin & Associates, P.O. Box 7904, Des Moines, Iowa 50323-9404. All Court records may be examined in person and copied at the Clerk of Court, Polk County, Polk County Courthouse, 500 Mulberry St., Des Moines, IA 50309. PLEASE DO NOT PHONE THE COURT.
Dated: August 24, 2006, The Honorable Scott D. Rosenberg, Polk County District Court Judge.
Microsoft Claims Exclusion Request.

Another One By ME! "Icy Gray 6-29-06( 8days left)

2006-09-11T21:40:00.000-05:00

There it goes again, the overwhelming lonliness and sadness of gray,
I awake suddenly to the icy feeling of reality for the day.
Cold, dark, empty colors, the faces all look the same,
Here I get to serve that lost kind of fame.
They all know me, yet no one knows who I am,
Dressed alike, being processed, I am a number I'll be damned.
The nightmare only continues as you become its slave,
There is no denying or escaping the prison cell grave!

Years gone By...

2006-09-10T15:11:00.000-05:00

I remember sitting in the county jail when the attacks on the World Trade Centers were going on. They let us out of our cells to see what I was sure was the end of the world. I always figured it would happen when I was locked up and not able to be with loved ones. It was the end of the world for many people and continues to be for probably as long as they live. You know for a brief moment I let my own troubles disappear and realized they were NOTHING compared to the horror those people must of been going through in their last moments of life. Scrambling down flights of stairs, trying to call home on their cells, just grasping for life as they once knew, just earlier that day. Nothing that bad in my life could compare even a little to anything to do with that day. 911, God Bless them All!

By Chance...A Poem By Myself...

2006-09-04T00:47:00.000-05:00

With each day slowly ticking by, my heart and soul are wanting to die. Trouble has beenin my life too long,sometimes I feel I don't belong. Now theres been a change in the air, people don't notice but why should they care? I have been nothing but bad these past years, I have broken hearts to the point of tears. Now I am wanting everyone to take a look, the changes I've made and they finally took. I know the bad outweighs the good, please give me a chance, you know you should. I'm much too old to carry on like a kid, I regret each and everything bad that I did. So if given a chance at a new life for me, I promise I will be all I can be.

New Alarm Clock...

2006-09-03T05:31:00.000-05:00

Woke up just a few minutes ago with ol' Jacksons face right in my face letting out one big "MEOW"! Scared the you know what right out of me! I should be getting used to it by now since he has now appointed hisself to being my new "keeper" so to say. He does not allow me to sleep more than 2 days at a time. He takes pretty good care of me too! I actually do not know what I would do with him! He is definitely my support system, plus my best friend. I can tell you this he sure fets an ear full! And boy if he could talk! Well, now I am awake and he decides to take a bath and lay down...hmmmm we wwill see about that!

Whoa Whoa Whoa Feelings..

2006-09-02T04:47:00.000-05:00

Up, down and all around this roller caoster I call my life just never stops! Like the address states..."are you ready for the ride?" If I were you I'd grab your ass with both hands and hold on for dear life!!!! Anyway, I love roller coasters...the bigger, the faster, the uglier, the better! I love anything fast, mainly my life, only cause I can't deal with the down time as well as the up time. Its just like following an old man wearing a hat in his big ol' Coupr DeVille, only going about 20 mph in the fast lane. Get the drift?! Next week I am to finally see a doctor in regards to some medication, needed medication. Number one problem is, I hate taking pills, I forget to take pills, if the pills make me sick I don't take them, and it seems like when I feel better, I think I must be cured....oh its a miracle! Yeah right!!! I am willing to give it time this go round, plus I am at a new place where it seems to be more organized, and they mainly speak english. This will probabaly make me blog to the extreme one way of the other, just depending on the wonderful side affects I get to experience. I finally got my email crap straighten out, and now God willing I am going to change providers?!#*&!!! 847 pieces of amil awaited me, its too bad that more than 3/4 of all that mail was shit! Well stay tuned for the upcoming adventures of ME!

I Miss My Internet!!!!

2006-08-29T12:40:00.000-05:00

Withdrawl that I experienced coming off of the dope has been nothing in comparison to the withdraws I have had to deal with about my emails and just plain online stuff over this past long cruel month!!!! Replacing one addition with another is common I have heard, so now I live it. Just me and my computer...we ain't hurtin' nothin'! I think the only hurt is my hip from sitting too long, or the lack of sleep I sometimes may lose out on....oh well, I am going insane here..... so I pop one of those free cd's for that trial version and had to make up another screen name, then remember to hurry and cancel the subscription before any big charge occur on the phone bill, that I don't pay. So, that wouldn't be very nice to do to my dad! Even though he would pay the bill and never say a word, it does show I have grown up some, don't ya think? Anywho...don't give up, I think I will have to do this on my own? Hopefully my old computer friend here will be able to handle the beating it will be getting upon this keyboard. Keep your fingers crossed!

Hey, Hey, Hey...

2006-08-24T04:34:00.000-05:00

I am still impatiently waiting to be able to get onto my e-mail and all the other stuff I am "jonesing" to do! Hope by this weekend or I am sure everyone will be able to hear my scream no matter where you are!!!! The rope is down to a thread, and its looking pretty much like "screaming weather..."

How Many E-Mails?

2006-08-18T00:55:00.000-05:00

Please don't despair, I'm still out here, if anyone cares... My internet service ia all a big mess, but leave it to me in a late night distress. I changed my password late one night, only to find out my memory is not right! So now I must wait for the powers to be, so I can once again be online and be ME!!!! Hang on you all....

Late Night Once Again...

2006-07-29T03:03:00.000-05:00

Notice the time, I have to unwind after a hell of a night with some real good money! Feels pretty good too! I just wanted to make sure you check out my sidebar for some new additions and minuses. My new life will be okay I think! Keep the Faith!

I'm Still Out Here....

2006-07-28T03:00:00.000-05:00

Hey to you all! I am struggling with life as usual, but I am still above water, and actually loving every minute of it! It sure seems different for some reason. Maybe cause of the chance at this probation, 5 years is life for me....but I want to be out here, so I gotta buckle down and do this deal! If I just get all my stuff done, I will make it out alive! Got a job, my old job with the baseball team, I have signed up for aftercare, and been playing phone tag with my hopefully new therapist with meds....someday. Sorry it has been so long between blogs, maybe once the shock is over I will be able to get a routine down? Any ideas?

Too Hot To....

2006-07-20T20:38:00.000-05:00

With a possibility of colder weather in sight I decided to move off the bed for 1 minute and say, "HEY!" Colder weather means maybe 80 to 85 degress, so I will blog either later, much later or tomorrow. P.S. I got a job!!!

Too Damn Hot....

2006-07-18T16:21:00.000-05:00

It's been too hot to move! So this will be short just to let ya all know I am alive but too hot!!